How to make gay friends without bars or clubs
If you don't drink or don't like bars, make gay friends through things that don't revolve around drinking and repeat every week, like an LGBTQ+ running club or a queer choir. Plenty of them meet in the evening, so this works around a job too.
A lot of gay social life still assumes you'll meet people in a bar after ten o'clock. If you don't drink, or you'd simply rather be in bed by eleven, it's easy to decide the community isn't for you. It is. It just meets in other places, and those places tend to be better for friendship anyway.
Look for daylight
Bars can be hard places to start a friendship. You're shouting over music, and you rarely see the same person twice. Spaces built around something else work the other way round. The London LGBTQ+ Community Centre describes itself as a sober space and runs regular meetups and classes. In Brighton, Switchboard lists meet-ups across the city. In Berlin, Mann-O-Meter runs social groups for gay men. Most cities with a sizeable queer population have a bookshop or a community centre that plays this role, and the people who run it will usually know what's on.
Let an activity do the talking
If small talk with strangers isn't your thing, pick something where you're doing rather than chatting. LGBTQ+ running clubs like London Frontrunners take beginners. OutdoorLads runs walks across the UK for gay, bi and trans men, and joining is free. Many cities have a queer choir that takes new members. Having something to do gives you something to talk about, and nobody expects you to be the life of the party. There's often a coffee or a drink afterwards, and you can have a lime and soda without anyone noticing or caring.
Pick by what you enjoy
If you like to move: LGBTQ+ running clubs like Frontrunners, or OutdoorLads walks for gay, bi and trans men.
If you like making things: craft, writing and life-drawing groups, like the ones at the London LGBTQ+ Community Centre.
If you like games: LGBTQ+ board game afternoons. Search Meetup for "LGBTQ board games" and your city.
If you like talking: book clubs and discussion groups.
If you'd like to be useful: volunteering, at places like the Schwules Museum in Berlin or Casal Lambda in Barcelona, gives you a regular shift and the same faces.
Search properly
Meetup and Facebook are more useful for this than they get credit for. Search for "LGBTQ" and your city on Meetup, and look at the sports and board game groups as well as the purely social ones. On Facebook, try your city's name with "gay" or "LGBT" and filter by groups. Check when a group last posted before you go. Plenty of them quietly stop meeting and nobody takes the page down.
Saying you don't drink
If you're sober, or just cutting back, you don't owe anyone an explanation. "I'm not drinking" is a whole sentence. Most people won't notice, and the ones who do are often asking because they've been thinking about it themselves. If a group always ends up in the pub, suggest a café now and then. Someone will be relieved. When you look at an event, check whether it's actually alcohol-free or just somewhere drinking is optional. Both can work, but they feel different.
You don't have to hate the scene to skip it
Plenty of people enjoy a night out in the bars now and then, and that's fine. Nobody's asking you to avoid them on principle. Friendship needs repetition and conversation, though, and bars are rarely set up for either. Go when you fancy a night out, and build your friendships somewhere you can hear each other.
You'll need patience whichever route you take, because friendship builds over months rather than evenings. If you're after friends rather than dates, how to make gay friends without dating goes into that side of it, and our city guides for London, Manchester, Brighton and Berlin name specific places to start. And if you'd like a head start, you can make a free friend card here and tell us the kind of people you're hoping to meet. Finish it on Among Our People and you'll see who else is looking for friends near you. ✦