How to make gay friends without dating
To find gay friends rather than dates, say plainly that you're after friendship, and spend time in places built for something else, like a choir or a running club.
Queer social life has a funny gravity to it. Nearly every tool for meeting other gay people — the apps, the venues, the whole scene — is pointed at dating or sex, so "I'd just like some gay mates" can feel oddly hard to say out loud. It shouldn't. Friendship is often the more important relationship, and for a lot of us it's the one we had to build from scratch.
Why friends carry so much weight here
There's a phrase that's been part of queer life for decades: chosen family. The anthropologist Kath Weston wrote a whole book about it in 1991, Families We Choose, describing how LGBTQ+ people — often at some distance from the families they were born into — build families out of friends instead. That isn't a consolation prize. For a lot of gay men it's the main support system: the people who turn up in a crisis, who get the reference without it being explained, who you spend the holidays with. Friendship carries more weight when it's quietly doing the job that family does for other people.
The apps aren't built for this, and that's fine
If you've ever opened a dating app hoping for mates and come away flat, the app wasn't broken. Grindr and the rest are built to match people for sex and dating, and they're efficient at it. Asking them for friendship is a bit like asking a taxi to be a Sunday walk. You can meet people there, of course, and plenty of friendships started as a date that went nowhere romantic and somewhere better. But if friendship is the thing you're actually after, it helps to use tools and spaces that are pointed at it. If you do meet someone through an app, meeting an online friend safely covers staying safe.
Say the quiet part out loud
The single most useful thing you can do is be plain about what you want. "I'm not looking to date, I'm trying to build a circle here" is a sentence that takes the pressure off, and plenty of people will be glad to hear it. It takes the romantic question off the table and lets a real friendship start. Put it in your profile on a friendship platform, say it at the group, say it over the second coffee. Clarity is a kindness, to them and to you. On a profile, something as simple as "Here for friends, not dates. Into running and old films, new to the area" does the job. In a message, try "I'm trying to meet more people here. Fancy a coffee at the weekend, just as friends?" Sometimes one of you develops feelings anyway. That's normal. Be kind and honest about where you stand. A friendship can survive that conversation, especially if it happens early. And if you're in a relationship, wanting friends of your own is ordinary.
Go where friendship is the point
Friendship grows best in places built for something other than pulling. A choir, a running club, a book group, a volunteering shift, a community-centre drop-in — the shared activity gives you a reason to be there that isn't "evaluate me romantically", and that's exactly what lets a friendship form. If you're in London, our London guide names a good few of these. Pick something that repeats weekly, show up more than once, and let the thing you're doing together carry the conversation. And if bars aren't your thing at all, how to make gay friends without bars or clubs has more ideas.
Mixed friendships are worth reaching for
It's easy to end up in a circle that's all one age or all one type. Some of the best queer friendships cross those lines — the younger person and the older one, usually working on the same loneliness in separate rooms. Older friends have seen the thing you're panicking about before; younger ones keep you in the present. A community that mixes generations lasts better than one that doesn't, and it's one of the things the LGBTQ+ world does unusually well when it bothers to try.
You're allowed to want friends more than you want a date. If you'd like help finding gay friends near you — just friends — you can make a free friend card here and tell us who you're hoping to meet. Finish it on Among Our People and you'll see who else is looking for friends near you. ✦