Young, gay and lonely: where to actually meet people
If you're young, gay and lonely, the most reliable way to meet people is to find one LGBTQ+ group that meets every week, like a football team or a choir, and keep going for a few weeks to see whether it suits you.
Scroll through Reddit and you'll find the same post again and again. Someone in their twenties, out and fine with it, who still doesn't have a single gay friend. If that's you, it's far more common than it feels, and there's nothing wrong with you. Usually it just means you haven't found the right door yet. Here are the doors, and then what to do once you're through one. This guide is written for adults, 18 and over.
Where to look
Start with Meetup. Search "LGBTQ" or "gay" with your city's name and you'll usually find more than you expect, from board game nights and hiking groups to book clubs and language exchanges. Before you go, check when the group last met. Some pages stay up long after the group has stopped.
Facebook is the other big one. Search your city with "gay" or "LGBT" and filter by groups. Local Pride organisations usually have a page too, and most of them post events all year, not just in the summer. If you're not out to everyone yet, Meetup and Facebook groups let you see what's on before you share much about yourself.
Sport is one of the easiest ways in, even if you weren't sporty at school. In the UK and Ireland, Pride Sports keeps a club finder you can search by area and sport, covering everything from football to swimming. Frontrunners is a network of LGBTQ+ running and walking clubs, over a hundred of them around the world, and most take complete beginners. You can find your nearest on their club list.
If you'd rather sing, most big cities have an LGBTQ+ choir, and a search for your city's name plus "LGBTQ choir" will usually find it. If you're a student, your university's LGBTQ+ society is worth a look even if you've never been to a society event in your life.
And you can make a free friend card here. Tell us where you are and who you're hoping to meet, then finish it on Among Our People to see who else is looking for friends near you.
Become a regular
One great night out rarely leads anywhere. Turning up to the same thing every week does, because you stop being the new face and become one of the people who's always there. It's slower than anyone would like, but it gives friendship a chance to happen. If a group doesn't feel welcoming after a few visits, try a different one. Pick one thing, a Tuesday game night or Thursday football training, and make it part of your week. Give it at least six sessions before you decide whether it's for you. Research from the University of Kansas suggests it takes around 50 hours together to make a casual friend, and how to make friends in a new city as an adult explains what that means in practice. Weekly is how you get there.
When you walk in
If you're nervous, message the organiser first. Something like "Hi, I'm thinking of coming on Thursday for the first time. Is there anything I should know?" is enough, and it means someone's expecting you. Get there five minutes early, when it's quieter and easier to talk. Find whoever's running it and tell them it's your first time, because they'll introduce you to people, and that's half their job. Ask questions rather than worrying about what to say about yourself. People like explaining how things work. If everyone goes for a drink or a coffee afterwards, go, even if only for half an hour. That's often where the real conversations happen.
Don't rush it
When you've been lonely for a while, the first person who's friendly can feel like the answer to everything. Try to let it build. Suggest a coffee after you've seen someone a few times, rather than after the first conversation. Don't take it personally if they're busy. Friendships at this stage are fragile, and they grow best when nobody's under pressure. If you're also meeting people through apps, meeting an online friend safely covers staying safe and taking it slowly.
If it feels heavier than lonely
Sometimes loneliness turns into something harder to carry on your own. If that's where you are, talk to someone. In the UK, Switchboard, the national LGBTQIA+ support line, is free on 0800 0119 100 from 10am to 10pm every day, and it also has webchat. Samaritans answers 24 hours a day on 116 123. If you're somewhere else, your country will almost certainly have an LGBTQ+ helpline, and it's worth looking it up now, before you need it.
Nobody arrives with a ready-made circle of gay friends. Everyone you see laughing in a group at Pride started out as the new face at something. Pick one door this week and go through it, then go back next week. And if you'd like a head start, make a free friend card here and tell us who you're hoping to meet. ✦